Mar 31

Grandma Goes to Court

Grandma Goes to Court

Grandma- Goes- to -Court

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years.

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!”….And that’s when I shot the son of a bitch! :)

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Jan 28

40 Things You’d Love to Say Out Loud at Work

40 Things You’d Love to Say Out Loud at Work

	40- Things- Youd- Love- to -Say- Out- Loud- at -Work

 

 

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit. 

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. 

3. How about never? Is never good for you? 

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant. 

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying. 

10. Ahhhh. I see the Fuck-up fairy has visited us again. 

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 

12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn. 

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist. 

18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?! 

20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. 

21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off. 

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be? 

24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you? 

25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. 

26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left. 

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 

31. Oh I get it . like humor . but different. 

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 

33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1? 

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 

35. Nice perfume. Must you really marinate in it? 

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. my work here is finally done. 

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 

39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter. 

40. Wait a minute — I’m trying to imagine you with a personality

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Jan 24

Bedroom Golf.

Bedroom Golf.

Bedroom- Golf

 

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

3. Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.

4. For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.

6. Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

7. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.

9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

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