Mar 31

Grandma Goes to Court

Grandma Goes to Court

Grandma- Goes- to -Court

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years.

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!”….And that’s when I shot the son of a bitch! :)

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Jan 28

40 Things You’d Love to Say Out Loud at Work

40 Things You’d Love to Say Out Loud at Work

	40- Things- Youd- Love- to -Say- Out- Loud- at -Work

 

 

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit. 

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. 

3. How about never? Is never good for you? 

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant. 

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying. 

10. Ahhhh. I see the Fuck-up fairy has visited us again. 

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 

12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn. 

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist. 

18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?! 

20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. 

21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off. 

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be? 

24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you? 

25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. 

26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left. 

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 

31. Oh I get it . like humor . but different. 

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 

33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1? 

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 

35. Nice perfume. Must you really marinate in it? 

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. my work here is finally done. 

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 

39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter. 

40. Wait a minute — I’m trying to imagine you with a personality

12,873 total views, 5 views today

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Jan 24

Difference Between Men and Women.

Difference Between Men and Women.

Difference Between Men and Women

 

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

2. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

3. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

4. Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.

9. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does’nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.

10. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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