Jan 28

40 Things You’d Love to Say Out Loud at Work

40 Things You’d Love to Say Out Loud at Work

	40- Things- Youd- Love- to -Say- Out- Loud- at -Work

 

 

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit. 

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. 

3. How about never? Is never good for you? 

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant. 

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying. 

10. Ahhhh. I see the Fuck-up fairy has visited us again. 

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 

12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn. 

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist. 

18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?! 

20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. 

21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off. 

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be? 

24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you? 

25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. 

26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left. 

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 

31. Oh I get it . like humor . but different. 

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 

33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1? 

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 

35. Nice perfume. Must you really marinate in it? 

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. my work here is finally done. 

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 

39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter. 

40. Wait a minute — I’m trying to imagine you with a personality

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Jan 21

Golfer and the Genie.

Golfer and the Genie.
Golfer -and- the -Genie

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.

The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife said, “Do you live here?”

“No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful,” he answered.

The wife said, “Are you a genie?”

“Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself,” the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes…one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said, “Done!”

The genie now said, “For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife.” I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.”

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, “How long have you been married?” to which she responded, “Three years.” The genie then asked, “How old is your husband?” to which she responded, “31 years old.” The genie then asked, “How long has he believed in this genie stuff?”

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Jan 21

How I Got Into Heaven..

How I Got Into Heaven..


How- I -Got -Into- Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”

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